"Lord, how long will You continually forget me? How long will You hide Your face from me? How long will I store up anxious concerns within me, agony in my mind every day? How long will my enemy dominate me? Consider me and answer, Lord, my God. Restore brightness to my eyes; otherwise, I will sleep in death, my enemy will say, 'I have triumphed over him,' and my foes will rejoice because I am shaken. But I have trusted in Your faithful love; my heart will rejoice in Your deliverance. I will sing to the Lord because He has treated me generously." -Psalm 13.
One of the most prevalent emotions that I feel on a consistent basis through out my depression is loneliness and hopelessness.
The definition of loneliness goes as follows: sadness because one has no friends or company; (of a place) the quality of being unfrequented and remote; isolation. I can be surrounded by tons of people who care so much about me but yet feel so lonely; like someone drove me out to the middle of nowhere, completely isolated, and left me there all by myself with no way back. It honestly sucks.
I constantly have these thoughts that run through my mind. Will I ever find someone? Am I going to live the rest of my life all alone? Even if I do have someone who cares about me, will I still feel so lonely? Do they really care? What if they leave me? What if everyone leaves me? Where are you? Where were you when I needed you? Why do I feel so alone? I don't know to be honest. Who cares? If people cared, they would reach out.
I never know why I feel so lonely. I just simply do. One morning I'll wake up and feel okay or even happy. Then there are mornings where I wake up and feel like I've been locked in a tower, in the middle of isolation, with no one around. I feel like I'm invisible. Like no one knows or cares who I am. It's not a great feeling, feeling lonely, especially when you have no clue as to why you feel that way. Sometimes you wish you had the attention and company of others 24/7 and then other times, you feel as if you want nothing to do with other people. When you do want other people around you, but they leave to go do something else or something along those lines, you feel like you aren't important. You know that you're not the center of their world and that their lives don't revolve around you but you feel like it should. It's not great at all because that also brings a feeling of guilt, jealousy, and even anger at times.
There are also times in which loneliness makes me feel like I don't belong or fit in. I don't know if it's just me or something but, the majority of the time, I feel like I don't fit in at all; like I don't fit in with American society or something. I don't find the various things that other people my age are doing appealing. It's not who I am; I'm not into it. As a result, I feel like I'm all alone because I feel like I don't fit into this category of "perfect normalcy". If that makes sense. I haven't felt like I fit in for quite some time now. That is, until recently. I returned from a trip to Estonia a little bit over a week ago. I won't go into much details because I do plan on writing a post about my trip experience. However, I will say, that for the first time in a long time, I felt alive. In this foreign country, in which I only knew two words in their language (tere which means hello and terviseks which means cheers!) and where I only knew a hand full of people, did I finally feel like I fit in. I didn't feel lonely; I felt like I belonged. Walking down those Estonian streets, I felt like I finally belonged somewhere, like I had purpose. Although, the reason behind that could have been that Estonians are extremely introverted, just like me, so....
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He counts the number of the stars. He gives names to all of them. Our Lord is great, vast in power, His understanding is infinite. The Lord helps the afflicted..." -Psalm 147:3-6. Time can't (won't) heal a broken and hurting heart, only Godcan do that.
Now onto feeling hopeless. The definition of hopeless is as follows: feeling or causing despair about something; inadequate; incompetent. There's this constant feeling of inadequacy. That I'm not good enough for anything or anyone. And if I'm not good enough for anything or anyone then what's the point in life? You want to be positive but it's like you can't mentally help it. Like you don't really believe it to be true. And when you DO have a good day, you hear or see something that just brings your mood right back down, like a trigger. There's no avoiding it. It makes your life feel bleak. And when you feel hopeless, your dreams and aspirations seem so ridiculous and unrealistic. Your mind and heart are constantly at war with each other. Your heart tells you that your dreams are worth pursuing but your mind tells you not to waste your time. Then you're not really sure what to do because your torn right down the middle. There are many times in which I felt hopeless about my future. All I wanted to do was give up and throw it all away. Although, deep down, I've always been a huge dreamer; my mind and heart have always been in the clouds. As a result, there was something inside of me giving me that tiny bit of hope that I needed to keep going. Without it, I might have not been able to do have the things I have accomplished or been given the many amazing opportunities that I've had. I have always felt like I'm inadequate, but I'm slowly starting to get over that by keeping my eyes, mind, and heart on God and those dreams of mine that I WILL turn into my reality with His help. It's just going to take time, which is perfectly okay. It's all in His timing, not mine.
Well, I think that's all I have to say about these two emotions. One of the people in one of my classes last semester asked me when I was going to post again because she really liked what I had to say. I really appreciated that comment, so I'm sorry this is so late but here you go! I would promise that I'll have another one up soon, but we all know I won't keep it. I would just be lying to you, just like I lie to my journal every time I write an entry months, even years, apart. But, I won't make you guys wait years, so I will try my best to write and post my next topic in this series as soon as I can and/or have the time.
Also, I've decided to use Psalm 13 as the "main" verse for this series. It just really stood out to me when I was reading my bible and doing some research. I understand that the people in which David is speaking of are the people who want to kill him but for the purpose of this series, I'll be referring to my "enemy" in this scripture as my depression.
Thanks for reading! Ciao!